Sunday, October 7, 2012

Toxic friends & family members

Everyone has heard of Toxic friends , but not so much toxic family members. Why is that? Is it because people will tolerate toxic family members more?
Everyone should get rid of their toxic friends is a great article to read.
Toxic Pals? is also a good read.

Now say you have realised you have a toxic friend or family member, what should you do? When should you demand change ?

What are the signs indicating that you could use a break or change?

-Your own health and mental well-being is damaged
-You feel emotionally, physically and/or spiritually injured
-The relationships with your immediate family/spouse/partner is suffering
-There is violence, physical and/or emotional abuse
-There is substance abuse
-There are constant struggles for power
-There is unnecessary distrust and disrespect

What to do, how to get out…

1. Get group help. If it’s possible and your family/family member is up for it, get counselling.
2. If it’s possible move out. Move in with a friend, your partner, an extended family member. Get to a place where people want to be with you, try to move into a nurturing environment.
3. Accept your parents or family member’s limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behaviour. You are not them.
4. Allow yourself to get angry. Use it productively. Exercise. Do sports. Use art and creative expression. Write in a journal. Don’t withhold your emotions.
5. Seek guidance for yourself. Talk to someone, a counsellor, a life coach, your yoga teacher—anyone who will listen, someone you feel comfortable with. Ask for help with change and with taking risks.
6. Limit your time. Do whatever it takes to limit the amount of time you have to spend with the toxic family/family member. Limit visits, holidays, do what you can to prevent as much conflict as possible.
7.  Set healthy boundaries. Try to not allow yourself to get sucked back in. You can love and wish them the best from a distance.
8.  Learn ways to protect yourself. Practice meditation. Learn to be patient with yourself and others.
9.  Become aware of yourself. Observe your reactions. Become more self-aware in order to break negative patterns as much as you can.
10. Practice doing good things for yourself. Do things that build self-esteem. Do things you enjoy. Invite others that love you along.
11. Create balance in your life. Take care of yourself physically and eat a balanced healthy diet. Be aware and be cautious of things you may do compulsively (eating, shopping, drinking, etc)
12. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Don’t wait for others to give it to you.

Is it wrong to hold grudges (is life too short)? (from here)



5 types of toxic friends  had me nodding and thinking of quite a few people in my life who fitted these.


I will tell you a story, i won't name names in it for privacy sake of the person who disclosed this story to me.

"I had a Toxic person in my life, no matter what I did I felt like, they were almost like a stalker. Trying to be me, dressing like me, doing things like me. At first i thought of it as a sign of flattery but i started to see this person didn't really have a sense of self, any attempt to get them to be themselves would be met with accusations that I was horrible.

A few years of not talking to this person, went by. Then a family member died, I started talking to them. Then, the same patterns appeared and this person went as far as to spread rumors to anyone who knew me or had heard of me. So I booted them out of my life again , for the second time.

They came crawling back, and proved 2 more times, they won't change their patterns. Nor will they accept they can not be me or have my life. The final straw was when I texted them to announce some good news and I got abuse as a reply.  I told myself, enough i enough, I will no longer allow you to make me feel inferior and abuse me. No more chances. "






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